Hello my
name is Maegan -- and I am a recovering control freak! You see some people
would classify me as Type A -- I am super organized, detail-oriented, love to
plan ahead, make lists, fill in calendars/planners. I know – sounds pathetic,
but seriously I have been this way since birth. My mom will tell you as a child
I would intricately plan all of my birthday parties and as soon as one was
over, I would start planning the next one (a year in advance). As a young adult
the desire to plan and control continued – I studied and worked hard, received
multiple degrees, got a good job, married my high school sweet heart, bought a
house, and so on and so forth. And through all of these big milestones, I for
some reason thought I was in control of my own destiny. I mean society teaches
us that you have to take your fate in your hands own hands and it’s your responsibility
to make the most of your life. I am a Christ follower and ultimately knew deep
down inside that these blessings were from God, not by anything that I deserved
-- but still in some convoluted way thought I had some part in the equation. And
through a series of events in my life with friends and family – tragic deaths,
terminal diagnoses, broken friendships, lost jobs, and more – I started to
realize that control over my life was just an illusion. And quite honestly all the planning and attempts to control life are just a distraction from God himself.
The moment I
really questioned my ability to control – is when I entered into motherhood.
Have you ever tried to talk a two year old off the ledge of an absolute
meltdown? Well if so, you know that you are NOT in control. Trust me -- my kids
have had lots of explosive moments in public despite my wishes. And thankfully
I love them unconditionally despite their tantrums and irrational behavior at
times. Last October I hosted a cabin with a good friend at a women’s retreat produced
by Hill Country Bible Church. The topic for the weekend was CONTROL. Ummm
excuse me, was this curriculum written just for me specifically? It sure felt
like it! The whole weekend was a bit of an eye opener. I had never really
thought of my desire to control as a SIN, but by golly it is! Thankfully Ephesians
2:8 says, “For it is by grace you have
been saved, through faith--and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of
God.” I was
surrounded by some of my favorite working moms throughout the retreat and was
able to process all of God’s truth shared at the conference.
Shortly
after this retreat, my husband was offered a job in San Antonio – which would
mean moving our little family of four to a new city. EKKK! I wasn’t sure how I
felt about this. I loved our neighborhood in Austin, our beautiful home, our
life there and the deep community that we had built over the last three years. It
was a BIG decision, but my husband and I committed to his leadership of our
family -- living by faith not by sight. This basically meant that I had to step
back (let go of control), so my husband could step up and lead our family as
God had called him to do. OMGoodness this was so scary for me. I am so thankful
for my close friends who are such strong women of faith – they were there for
me to vent to, process this and ultimately speak truth to me through scripture
for the last year. One day I was listening to K-Love while I was driving home
from the office and heard Casting Crowns, Just be Held -- “When you're on your knees and answers seem so far away, You're not
alone, stop holding on and just be held. Your world's not falling apart, it's
falling into place. I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held.” God
has a funny way of speaking to us sometimes, but this was a direct message from
above. He took the job and we started the process of buying and selling homes
to make this transition. I will spare you ALL the painful details, but was
shown once again that I was NOT in control and that God truly is. We eventually
sold our home in Austin and just made the move to New Braunfels this summer. It
has been such a blessing in more ways than one – and we are looking forward to
this new chapter in our lives.
Life is full
of good times and bad – it is important to find joy in all of it. And also to
take a hard look at how God is using your circumstance to draw you into a
closer relationship with Him. For my fellow believers we can rest assure
because the scripture says in Romans 8:28, “…
for
those who love God all things work together for good…” The
moral of the story is – God has you exactly where he wants you. And trying to
control what happens in this life is just unproductive on SO many levels. Time
and time again God has shown me that His plan is better -- Jeremiah 28:11 says,
“For I know the plans I have
for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to
give you hope and a future.”
